The Lore
Compiled from reader reports. None of it has been confirmed. All of it is true.
The first sighting
A kitchen, 2016. A pan of butter left on low heat. The witness stepped away for one minute. When they came back there was a figure standing where the steam was: a black garrison cap, a pink floral dress, and where the eyes should have been, the glow of the burner.
The witness blinked. The figure was gone. The butter had melted into a shape they will not describe.
Known traits
- APPEARS
- Near melting butter. Never near margarine.
- WEARS
- A black garrison cap from no army anyone can find.
- EYES
- None. Or they are somewhere else, looking.
- SOUND
- A low hum, like a fridge in another room. Some say it is the theme song.
- PHOTOGRAPHED
- Once. The photo is on the front page. The camera has not worked since.
Theories
- It is a guardian of dairy, sworn to protect butter from people who leave it out too long.
- It is what is left when butter forgets it was once cream.
- It is somebody in a hat. (This theory has been discredited by people in hats.)
If you see it
- Do not turn up the heat.
- Offer salted. Never unsalted.
- Back away slowly toward the toast.
- Sign the guestbook so we know you made it.
The Butter Bitch is not affiliated with any dairy, government or hat maker.